Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
