You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
