how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
and you said cock pushups were impossible
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
