and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
