I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
