Where are you?
In a non slutty way
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
worst night to have a conscience
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
