Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
