She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
