you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
