the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
