New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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