I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
