Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
