yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
