so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
