I want to walk on stilts...naked
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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