You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
