Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
