I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
