He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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