What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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