thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
