Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
