You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
