somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
