Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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