Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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