it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.