Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.