Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
