So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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