i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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