This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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