And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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