How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
