just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
