I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
