found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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