I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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