Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
