Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
