Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
