life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
