I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?