I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it