Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
