Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
