Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
