The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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