You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I deserve this hangover.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
