y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
