we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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