Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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