sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'd cum for enchiladas.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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