the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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