the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
