my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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