Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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