god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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